I said something I shouldn’t have to someone today. I apologized profusely, but that doesn’t absolve me—I know it.
I’ve been a rock today as a result. assembling for my take-off to NYC tomorrow, thrills in the nighttime.
I’ve forcibly thought a lot about my “coming out” to my parents—-that is, when they plainly understood I was sexually fluid. Because I can’t really remember not knowing I was attracted to the spectrum of gender (read: this is different than being comfortable with it), it seemed logical to me to reveal my interest casually.
And so when I began dating my first girlfriend, I told my mother over the phone. It was my birthday.
I didn’t acknowledge the stones loosely strung until they were finally thrust back into their crevices with my verbal revelation and
…. she did not react well, by any means. I made the mental mistake of projecting my liberal environment onto my Slavic parents, and it resulted in more strife than I knew I was getting myself into. We didn’t speak for a solid month and when we finally did, it was hardly possible without one of us erupting into disruptive tears (usually her.)
I guess I must have felt strongly enough about this person to feel as lewdly compelled as I did. Generally speaking, I feel strongly.
a crutch? maybe.
I’ve had one-nights, platonic, romantic, romantic-romantic, and guilt-laden-environmentally-loaded relationships with the entire spectrum. I have no preference either way. I distinctly remember colors, smells, scents, kinks, sofa-cushion patterns, palm-tree encrusted landscapes, the smell of the ocean while we fucked, The Cure on vinyl.
I was so grateful for the lofty ups and heatsinking downs, and even felt odd inspiration that led to a (now embarrassingly retrospect) post here where I felt a need to be absolutely, unabashedly transparent. I still do.
but with much less question as to the adequacy of my feelings—-about others, about mothers.
(hey hey, love my mom tho)
The thing I shouldn’t have said to someone today leaves me with this simple verbiage. I’m really, truly very sorry.